Freshman Year

It seems like every year I have a new best friend, lost friends, new friends. I used to be so close with my neighborhood friends. However, high school changes everyone. Some just change differently than others. I remember this is the year that I first lost a friend I cared about. She was a preacher’s daughter and started hanging out a lot with the band kids. She was the first of my friends to start going to parties. I admit I was a little jealous, maybe even a little mad that she’d never invite me. Guess it wasn’t too big a surprise when she finally stopped hanging out with me. But that was okay I developed my own little group. One of those girls is now my current best friend. We were only friends through a mutual friend. We both disliked each other to an extent. We only got along because of our mutual friend. The three of us hung out constantly and were weirdly obsessed with sex jokes and generally being weird. I was into anime, heavy metal, and academics. Although, I admit this was the best year of high school. No one was so judgmental and we weren’t as cliquey. Everyone was nice and we all hung out, outside of school, mainly at the mall. I used to have the hugest crush on this boy who sat next to me in homeroom. We used to bond over our music taste and share music. We would talk on myspace. I thought he liked me but instead he just wanted me to send him nude photos. No I never sent them but I thought about it, honestly. After a while I started to hate him and quit talking to him altogether and dated this nerdy sophomore. Regrettably I wasn’t into him. Just the idea of having someone to be with me. And unfortunately, it definitely classified me as nerdy and weird. Overall, I was weird. And now I admit I”m okay with that. I had my hair dyed purple I was stereotypically into heavy metal and anime. This is just another step in process of discovering who I am. And I admit I’m still on that path and that might be the part that scares me the most.

~Okay so I’ve decided I’m going to use this blog to get out my feelings and as a sort of diary. So I’m not letting anyone follow me and if you choose to read my posts, go ahead. ~

When I was twelve years old I dealt with things a twelve year never should have to deal with. Too many people lost, too many tramuatic experiences, too much expectation. My dad was always really close towards his parents the backbone for the whole family. He visited my grandparents regularly used to help when things weren’t so great. He was always there for my Mamaw taking good care of her when she started to deteriate when none of his siblings would. I didn’t know much about my Mamaw she started to get alzheimers when I was three years old. She didn’t really remember me when I came to visit and she never told me stories of her childhood. I just remember she liked to play solitaire. But my Papa, I loved him the most. He’d always say “There’s my sweetheart looking as lovely as ever. I’m sure she’s got herself a beau maybe even a few. I bet there are guys beating down your door lining up down the way waiting to date you. Now come over here and sit on your Papa’s lap.” We’d sit there and he’d tell me stories about my dad’s childhood and about his childhood. Sometimes he’d even tell me a story about the war, something he’d never tell anyone. But just remembering the way things were I wished I got to know them better visited them more. But you can’t change the past and the sight of my Mamaw giving up on life wasting away was too much to handle. Though, the hardest part was watching my Dad and Papa dealing with her death. And her death started to get the rest of the family to start talking about our deaths. I remember very clearly my cousin taking about if she died she’d want to be cremated and her sister take care of her children. Ha, looking back now it was like a premonition like my cousin knew what was going to happen. Two months after my Mamaw’s death, my cousin died. Her husband shot and killed her….and I watched her die. Not like the shooting but her in the hospital fighting for her life. We all took it hard. My brother especially. He took her death as an excuse to go heavier into the drugs, partying, and laying out of school. He put my parents through a lot. He used to get suspended a lot. One day my brother and his friends were caught drinking on campus and he ran away when my parents picked him up. I remember sitting in the car with my mom riding around looking for him when she turned to me tears running down her face, “Promise me you’ll never do anything as stupid as he does. Promise you’ll be good you’ll make us proud.” Since that day, I swore I would. That year flew by, then summer came around. I was doing good I had friends I was going on a field trip with the school. And my Papa died. I’ll never here him compliment me, call me sweetheart ever again.Funny. Never thought that nickname meant so much to me. Couple of months later my mom’s mom died. She was battling cancer and it eventually spread to her brain. She like my Mamaw kinda just gave up. My mom took it really hard. I remember the night it happened she was just laying in bed crying. My brother, dad, and me all sat in bed with her. That night seems kinda nostalgic now. I guess I live for the nostalgic moments.

Tiny Specs

We’re all insignificant if you really look at the big picture. No one is going to remember me and I’ll never really amount to anything. Yeah I say I wanna move out of town, but I know deep down once I’ve got that out of my system I’ll settle down in my hometown. I won’t amount to much really, I’ll probably marry someone, have children, and teach an Elementary class. I aspire to do so little because I don’t have the potential to do great things. So me, like so many other human beings are insignificant, we’ll be forgotten, it’ll be like we never even existed. And I know so little people in the world. We all just live day to day lives not even bothering to get to know one another. But who knows? Maybe that person you never got to know was the person you were meant to be with. Then you’ll learn to love someone else and settle for less. Because all you really want is attachments. Fact is all humans need human interaction and attachments, because then we don’t feel as whole and as important. We all have emotions: although, the bible dictates we were not created to have emotions, just mates in a form of reproducing, if it wasn’t for Adam and Eve. So why does life matter SO much to us? Because really we won’t be remembered we’ll just become figment of our imaginations.

This year…

What I really care about are my goals, having fun, and figuring out who I am. It’s my Senior year and I should mainly be focusing on College. Though it is a major concern if I’m good enough if I’ll get accepted to ANY college. Right now is the time that I’m stressing. All my applications are due SO soon and a lot of my friends are already getting accepted. I won’t know until January, and then trying to decide which one I want to attend. That’s when I should start the process to finding out who I am, because really College is one big do over. You know just last year my mom told me that my Preschool teacher wanted my mom to hold me back because I was having trouble socializing. As glad as I am of graduating, sometimes I wonder if my life would be different if I was held back. Would I have made stronger connections? And would I have not been as shy? But I’ll never get to know, that’s why I’ve made a deal with myself to open up. I’m trying, but sometimes I wonder why do people even like me? What’s so special about me? Along, the way I’m also, just enjoying experiencing the alternate realities while I can. Someday I’ll have to grow up, but that day’s faaaaar from now. Ahh I wanna finish this but right now I’m out of my yogurt treats, I have to pee, gotta write why I wanna go to this one colllege, and plus I’m too busy enjoying the view from up here.

This time last year I was a different person than who I am now. I was best friends with this girl. I mean every time you saw me we were together, we were inseparable. We had the same interests and we even looked alike. Although, she was more into modelling and I was more into school. But as all good things are they must end. Our friendship ended on a sour note. No need to really go into great detail but basically she betrayed me and I made a big deal out of it. That year I realized that I put too much time and effort into our friendship. When I lost her, I also lost who I was, I couldn’t stand who I used to be and who I associated with. I spent most of that year in a slump focusing mainly on school and work. I also lost quite a bit of friends, but not like it mattered much high school friends come in and out of your life constantly. So when I started my Senior year I’ve made it my goal to become more outgoing step out of my comfort zone and get to know more people. But I still have no true connections to anyone, yeah we’re friendly we say hey in the hall, but there’s no one I can truly say will be there for me. I’m trying to start over with my life getting to know those people who have it rough. In fact, I’ve heard a lot of stories that have touched my heart. Those people who are struggling at home, struggling with drug issues, and people struggling just in general to do well in school and help out financially at home. With all this effort I still feel like I’ve made no progress and that I’m an outcast. The people I consider close to me are only my family and my “best friend”. So I say thanks to my ex best friend because if it wasn’t for her I’d still be the same person I was, unhappily content with my sheltered life.

#alwaysclueless

So the other night, I was hanging out with this guy friend. Normally we only hang out with other friends or at parties but I was bored and no one else was available. So I went over to his house and we went down the street to his grandma’s where there was a bouncy house left over from his nephew’s birthday party. We didn’t do any hooking up, I know what you’re thinking. We basically spent the night talking about college and our lives. He even tried to teach me how to do a cartwheel, since I all I can do is a somersault. It was a good night. Then later on I get a text from him professing his crush on me. I honestly don’t know how I feel, I only thought of him as a friend and only as a friend. But sometimes the desperation in me says start liking him. However, my mind has decided that we’re gonna flirt and get to know each other by hanging out not texting. And if something happens it happens. And no more letting my friends discourage me. It’s time to sort out my life and experiment.

Diversity- 

  1. The state of being diverse; variety.
  2. A range of different things.

Personalities are never the same, everyone is different, no one is just alike. In fact, if we all thought and acted alike life would be boring. No new opinions, topics, and views would arise. Day to day life would be a continuous routine. There would be no surprises no emotional attachments. For opposites attract don’t they? The need for diversity stands true. Either that being culturally, socially, or even psychologically. Not everyone will agree but understanding that these differences exist is evident. And not everyone lives life as you do, so we shouldn’t judge rather than rejoice these little differences and get to know someones’ story before being too quick to judge. I’ve heard many stories ones that make me want to cry to make me realize how much you need your eyes opened. And I just recently realized I was caught up too much in my problems, I am now not trying to worry about my problems so much, as to relax and come to terms that my life won’t end anytime soon. I just like to complain from time to time, as teenagers do.

(sorry, needed to getting my writing started before starting on my essays for College Applicatons)

Just a four letter word

Love is just a four letter word, its thrown around so much that the meaning behind it lacks conviction. You say you love your friends but then you love pizza too. Obviously there are different attachments. Although, humans are like chameleons constantly ever-changing to fit in or going through stages. Finding out who you are, what you want, what you like is difficult. It’s all just a process of growing up experiencing the world. But I feel like I can’t get out and do the things I want because either its too impossible to reach or just fantasy. Find me a boy to love, find me a boy to cuddle with, find me a boy who is as corrupt as me. I want a love, in a hopeless place. I want to experience teenage love, not just lust. I’m tired of lust, sick and tired of hooking up, no true attachments. So why is that one word is so powerful?